The BIG 3 take aways from The Gift of Failure

I just completed The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, and here are the three BIG take aways.

#1 - Be consistent.  All children crave consistency in their lives.  They want to know how their day will go, how it will end, and what happens if they do, or do not do something.  So, as a parent or teacher, if you are going to do something for a child; follow through with it.  If bed time is 9:00 o'clock.  Then off to bed at nine.  If a child does not complete a task or does not meet the expectation, then follow through consequences.  Don't cheat them, follow through...

But this takes work!  And raising a child is NOT easy.  It means stopping anything you are doing to be consistent.

#2 - Don't be your student's or child's friend.  Lahey talks about allowing the child to fail, and not picking up their mess.  This doesn't mean you not do care or love them.  In fact, because you love them, you will NOT intervene and allow failure.  It is better for children to learn the natural consequences of being responsible when they are ten years old, rather than when they twenty-five year old.   So, don't run the forgotten homework assignment to school.  Instead, when the child returns home, discuss what happen with them.  Talk about what they might do to ensure it doesn't happen again. How can they create a system to remember their homework?

Lahey explores this dilemma after allowing her child fail. Lahey could have intervene to help (or enable) her child and she shared her thoughts with a friend.  But, her friend explained to Lahey how she could not allow her child to fail, as she would not allow a friend to fail.  But, Lahey reflects that her child is NOT her child's friend.  She is not raising a friend.  Instead, she is raising her child.  Therefore, her job as a parent is to help a young person to develop into a mature, productive citizen.  Not a friend.

#3 - Failure is not the end.  Lahey makes the case that when child fails, the failure should not define children.  Yes, easier said than done.  But turn the failed event to an opportunity to explore, reflect about what went well and what did not.

Over all a good read for those looking for methods to allow children to develop important a growth mindset.

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